If I told you that I feel different on a molecular level, perhaps that would explain why I haven’t posted to FB really since I returned from my Vision Quest a few days ago. I am stuck in ceremonial mind. From the first day I entered my Quest at the Joshua Tree Retreat Centre at the Ding Le Mei house I was encouraged to engage in my world from a place of ritual and ceremony. To no longer indulge in trite and meaningless polite conversation and to commit to support and show up for myself and the other Questers on the journey for the next 6 days. What at first felt like a struggle, it seems so rude not to make small talk with new people, has now become a way of being that I find deeply pleasant, and one I am loath to give up. That might explain why I can’t seem to post to Face Book or Twitter. Why I don’t want to watch any of the chat shows I used to enjoy stealing 20 minutes for over coffee in the morning. They don’t interest me and it feels like a habit I’m glad to have broken.
Day One of my Vision Quest I played with writing Face Book status updates in my journal, which I couldn’t post of course as there was no internet or phone. Things like:
Diva prepares for sleeping under a tarp in the Mojave Desert. Stop the insanity!
Well, Stanley this is another fine mess you’ve gotten me into-Laurel and Hardy
Just ate some dried fruit and nuts that I dropped on my comforter and suddenly remember seeing too many TV specials with infrared warning about what lands on and never gets washed off Hotel comforters. Yuck.
I’ve been smudged by sage. Isn’t that a rap lyric I’ve heard before? Or isn’t that something Tide in Cold Water removes.
But here I am needing to write this blog entry and I am finding it very difficult to find words that will hold my Vision Quest experience. In the weeks to come I will be posting stories that will carry my Quest to you in nutritious morsels, but for today I want to answer the question – Why would any sane person who could be at the Four Seasons, Hotel poolside, with a Mojito in her hand spend that money on an often uncomfortable journey to personal discovery culminating in two days and nights of fasting and sleeping alone in the desert with the coyotes howling?
It was time to wake up. I was sleeping in my life, with so many distractions keeping me from what mattered and from appreciating deeply what surrounds me all the time. There were many things that I took for solid. Things that had to be that way. Places where I was stuck. But these were illusions. The prisons I was in, I was holding the key to. On this Quest, I made peace in places of my life that had been calling for release. I retired some patterns of behavior that were soldiers who had served me well, but whose wars were long over. They could stand down now.
Eventually I’m sure I’ll go back to all that glitters and beeps and rings and vibrates in my world, but it will be different, because I’m different. When I was laying in my sleeping bag in the desert, alone, a little scared, and hungry from a two-day fast, at midnight I sat bolt upright a stared at the horizon and said, “ Don’t look back. Life is a mystery, embrace the mystery” a star fell from the sky, burning bright. It was as if the universe had heard me and yelled, “YES” with its firework.
You can’t get that poolside at any hotel I’ve been to.
So I’m basking in the space I finally managed to create in my daily life, something I so craved before I went away. The space I found my embracing the mystery of my life in every minute and in every inhalation I take.
Stay tuned, so many stories to tell yet. If you are curious about what I took part in, you can read about it at www.awakenedwisdom.com.