Control is an Illusion

Our New House in Victoria as of May 27th

Change is inevitable.  I fight it with all my habits and rituals so it seems like I’m in control.  Certainly the Arm Chair Critic in my head thinks I’m in charge. But I’m not.  Control is an illusion.  I tell myself if I work hard enough, if I am smart and recognize the opportunities, I can get and feel however I want.  That isn’t true.  It is pure hubris to think it is.

I am two days from moving my 2400 square foot house.  I dread and eagerly anticipate this new home, neighborhood, lifestyle that is coming.  You know, I almost typed, I’m creating.  And in a way I am.  The change is coming, inexorable and inevitable, but how I react is the part I am creating.

This is a season of change and many of you are facing it too.  End of the school year, graduation from the whole process or into a new level.  Or you are a teacher and you are about to have a summer off or you will be taking on other work as your regular students fly away until September.  Many are moving, just like me, into new home or apt., or back home, or into different cities.

My outlook and attitude that I am creating to manage the fear, angst, thrill and stress of all this are somewhat successful, but what I’ve really learned this week is the body tells all.  I can create a smile and friendly interchanges and leave my bubbling cauldron of angst below it so most don’t see it, but my body doesn’t lie.  Every morning now I get up to a locked neck, every joint aches, I feel like I drank three martinis, my voice has dropped and my head is very heavy.  So my Arm Chair critic in my head that thinks she is so smart and managing it all is a living in a false paradise.  My body is telling me the truth.   This is a tough time.  And being with just that information gives me respite.  It isn’t something to be struggled against, but lived along side of.

This is change.  Raw change.  It takes a layer off.  It is happening and what I want to do is lean into it and feel the wind of change on my face, aches and pains and all because that is fully living.

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